Loving a Man Who Forgot Me Novel Chapter 67
“It was incredibly hard for me. And your father. And why we were both so terrified during my pregnancy with Aiden.
You can’t imagine what it feels like to know that your body failed you. That it failed your child.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You were sick, and the medication . . . it wasn’t your fault.”
She smiled sadly. “I know that. I do. I don’t blame myself, but it hurts nonetheless, Abel.”
“But you wanted your children. Katya made it clear from the beginning that she didn’t.”
“Regardless of what she felt in the beginning, it may have changed in the time that she was carrying the baby.
Miscarriages can happen for a lot of reasons.” Silence fell between us, the weight of her words bearing down heavily upon me.
I’d flipped out on Katya because I was already so angry and resentful for having to marry her in the first place, but what if it wasn’t her fault?
“What if I did this?” I croaked hoarsely. “What do you mean?” I couldn’t meet her eyes as I forced the words out.
“I’ve been so hard on her. Cruel and unsympathetic, because I was angry. We fought and argued so much, and last time I just stormed out on her.
Who does that? Who treats the woman carrying their child that way? What if I caused her too much distress? What if I’m the reason she lost the baby?” I turned my helpless gaze to her.
“Abel, you didn’t do this. Don’t try to blame yourself. Sometimes there just isn’t anyone to blame and you have to accept that. You both ended up in a painful and stressful position and tried to make the best of it. Neither one of you handled it perfectly, but that doesn’t mean you’re at fault for this loss.”
“I was so angry when I found out she was pregnant. I felt like my life was over. I think that’s really why I didn’t tell you at first.
Not because I thought you would be mad at me for screwing up, but because I was ashamed of how I felt about the baby, and I knew you would be disappointed in me for it.” She scooted closer on the tiny outdoor sofa and wrapped her arm around me.
“I was scared,” I confessed. “I didn’t think I was ready for a baby. It wasn’t what I wanted, but the more I thought about it . . . God Mom, I did want the baby, I swear I did, but I feel like I’m being punished because at first I didn’t.”
The words were wrenched from my gut with a half sob. Both of her arms wrapped around my body, almost twice the size of hers, holding me like I was still her little boy. “Abel, listen to me. You’re my son and I love you.
I am not disappointed in you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not being punished.” Her voice broke and she squeezed me harder.
I curled my arms around her, squeezing back, and buried my head in her shoulder as I said, “I feel sick in my gut, like I could have done something. Like I should have done better. For Kat and the baby.”
“You loved that baby enough from the first moment to do what you thought was right, even though you were angry and scared. That’s enough, Abel. It really is. I’m so sorry, but you will get through it.”
I nodded against her, unable to say anything else, embarrassed at the way I was falling apart like a baby in her arms. But there was something about moms and knowing in their arms was the one place it was always safe to fall apart, because they’d always pick you back up and help put you together.
“I love you.” My words came out muffled and choked. “I love you too,” she murmured and then released me. I wiped at my eyes and cleared my throat. “I’ll talk to Katya. I’ll try to make it right so we can both try to move on from this, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about the band and the label.
I’m already in shit with them because of the arrest. Add in blowing off a show, and the fact that I don’t think I can go back to playing with Gio. Tonight was the last straw. With him and Lowell. I just can’t do it anymore.” “Before you stress it too much, wait to hear what your dad says.”
Whereas Mom pulled me out here to talk after I told them all what happened, Dad the problem solver got right on his phone, making calls to the label, determined to do whatever he could to help me. Addie, God knew what she was doing in there.
She’d retreated to her room before Mom and I came out here, I think to keep from burdening me with her emotions on top of mine. She was probably pacing and fuming and crying all at once. I was surprised she hadn’t already burst out here.
Addie’s emotions flowed freely and wildly, no dam or lid or anything keeping them in check. Something I both loved, and that drove me crazy about my sister. “Do you think Dad is going to be mad at how I handled it?” “Depends, did you really break a guitar?”
I shifted my gaze back to her. A slight smile tugged at one corner of her mouth and I breathed a little easier. “Two,” I sighed. “But neither was Red.” My Dad’s beloved 1962 Fender Stratocaster that once belonged to one of his all-time favorite guitarists, Stevie Ray Vaughan.
“Well that’s a relief. I’m not sure I could have saved you from him if it had been.” She was smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile a little too. “Your dad loves you and he isn’t going to be mad. All he’s ever wanted is to protect you from the ugliness of this life.
He’s so incredibly proud of you, but I know he has worried about you since the day you told us you wanted to sign that first record deal and move to New York. And then your sister had to go and become a model,” she laughed lightly.
“You should have heard our conversation when I had to talk him down from locking her up in a tower the rest of her life.
Letting you two walk your own paths, chase your own dreams, and make your own mistakes has not been easy for either of us, but don’t ever doubt for a second how proud we are of you.” “Speaking of Addie, I should probably go talk to her. I think she’s taking this even harder than I am.”